xangbloggica

http://xanga.com/rcyoaxn. the other one. that gets updates more. or http://blog.myspace.com/rcyoaxn. gets updated even more.

yeeaaahhhhh....

so... i basically forgot all about this. but now i remembered. woo.

how ya all doing?

^_^

I'm alive, I'm alive' I'm alive, I'm alive!

Haha, just been really busy. Working 4 jobs. Blah...

^_^

There is always a new day

I wrote this a few days ago but didn't get around to posting it until now.

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For some reason I keep finding myself feeling like a song by Mute Math called "Picture". I'll say more about it in a minute, but for now -- I was bored in class the other day (seems to happen a lot) so I started writing a piece of poetry. This is how it turned out:

Held within the grasp of fate
Lost inside this darkened state
Choices made, reasoned mind
We thought we knew the truth this time
Face the lies, take the blame
You are the one who made this game
Beyond the edge of reasoned light
You fell from grace into the night
Whores and lovers, saints and fools
Half-lived morals bend the rules
No wrong or right, just good intention
Hard lines and bright eyes lost to mention
All fall apart like broken pride
Yet with sunrise, surrender, renewed we rise

It's me, it's you, it's everyone who has fallen and been trampled to pieces by life. Everyone who has ever given themselves away and woken up one day to find that they've got nothing left. That they're not who they were, and they don't know how they got this way.

And you say you've screwed up so badly you could never get back. You think could never get back to who you were, that even God can't give you back what you gave away. My friend, you have a very small picture of God. He knows no limits, he has no boundaries. Space and time can't contain him. Not even your will can stop him. You are loved by God whether you want it or not. My Father can restore anything, he can make anything better, and he can fix any problem we can throw at him. I don't care if you've killed someone, if you're a rapist, if you've had sex so many times you can't keep track anymore, if you've looked at porn all your life and think you're stuck there forever, if you're anorexic, a cutter, a druggie, alcoholic, bullimic, or suicidal. There is hope for you in Christ. You can take one more day. You can hold on. You can change. There is hope and love and grace for you and, in spite of the pain, there is a peace for you that your mind just can't wrap itself around. You can be restored. The very word implies that something had to be messed up to begin with. You can't fix something that isn't broken. It's not going to be easy, but nothing in life ever is. It probably won't even be close to fun most times. But is it worth it? Is accepting Christ's love and choosing to devote yourself to living for him worth it? With all I am, I say yes.

I'm in the middle of something that has been for me nearly 2 years in the making, and I'm at the point where I'm wondering whether or not I should just get up and walk away from it forever. It's affected my grades, my personality, my emotions, my actions, everything about me. For the past 2 years this has been foremost in my prayers, first when I go to God for strength, the first reason I find myself lost in thought and dreams. I love it, I truly do, but at times I find myself almost hating it at the same time. Finally I think I must decide. Either direction will be hard, and I know which one I want, but I no longer feel I know what will happen. It's not up to me. But I know that God must have a plan.

It seems all I can do is trust. It's never been easy for me to trust anyone, and when people continually lie to me and break the trust I worked so hard to give to them it makes it even more difficult. God knows the effort it takes me to trust anyone for anything. And being let down so often makes it hard to even trust God sometimes, because I wonder why he should be any different than many of my friends. But then I remember that He's never let me down before, even when I've cussed him out for letting something happen that I didn't understand and thought I couldn't take. He's always pulled me through. So he is the one in whom I place my trust.

So back to the song, Picture. I guess it explains a lot about how I've felt many times when I remember this summer and many times since then. Especially when I was going through my wallet and found a photo I forgot I had ever put there.

I see our fate, I see our past
And all the things that could not last
It's heavy on these eyes, frozen as I hold this photograph
It's all we're left that's of any worth
And it's so much more than a thousand words
Now in this frame is our only way we can endure

I pictured you and me always
And in this photograph we're safe

All I hear in my head
Are all the words I wish I'd said
Sentimental thoughts are overwhelming me again
As I stare through a lens of tears
At what remains of those fallen years
Now in this frame memories are held to persevere

I pictured you and me always
And in this photograph we'll stay
I pictured you and me always
And in this photograph we're safe

Coping with this loss has broken me
And I'm just hoping things are all as they should be
I pictured you and me, you and me
I pictured
Oh, I pictured

I pictured you and me always
And in this photograph we'll stay
I pictured you and me always
And in this photograph we're safe

We're safe
We're safe

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I told you always. Always. And no matter what, it will always be true.

Photos

Okay, since Anonymous wondered about pictures of me... actually, the profile pic really is me. I was just 3 years old at the time. But here are more current ones -- click on them for a bigger view:

Summer '06

Fall '06

Winter '06

Spring '07

These are pretty much the most current photos I've got. I've actually got a bit of a scruffy beard going on right now, but I don't have any photos of it. I'm probably just going to shave it off soon anyway. So there
you go. ^_^

Wallace Stevens mentions horny feet in one of his poems. Taken out of context, I find that hilarious. It was everything I could do to keep myself from laughing in class today.

Discussing 19th century funerals in the same class, and how long before a body must be buried, here are the professor’s comments: "Not to be cold about it, but it would depend on whether it was summer or winter."

Cold. Haha. I laugh at the most random, seemingly humorless things. It’s fun. ^_^

[edit]

Today I found that I've been quoted on Facebook as saying: "Even old barbies were marvellously disproportionate and could have carried everything they needed in their chests. No need for a purse with that much endowment. 'Excuse me, I need to get my makeup...'"

And I've got nothing more to say about that. :-P

The first day of the rest of my life

Wow. For some reason today I'm enjoying listening to the song "Backstabber" by Disciple. Probably not a good thing. Haha.

I guess I haven't been blogging much lately. I've just been way too busy for it anymore. Not to say I'm going to abandon my blogs; I just won't be updating as much, as you've probably already noticed.

Playing in the fountains at Triangle Park is surprisingly fun.

Okay, done for now.

Just one small question...

...does anyone really read this anymore?